Tuesday, August 16, 2011

My Head Is Spinning

When I got to the office yesterday, I realized that I had no recollection of actually getting in my car and driving there.  I know we all do that once and awhile, but the last week or so, I have noticed that I am having lots of moments like that.  Certainly it it stress.  I keep telling myself that I am really handling everything so well, but the truth is every action is a struggle.  I am not prone to depression and when I recognize that I am, I'm always a bit startled by it.  Not me, I don't get depressed.  Sure I have the occaisonal blue day once in a bit, but not depression.  No way. 

I'm so fucking depressed.  I feel like the air is just being sucked right out of my corner of the world and I am struggling for every breath.  I want to be with my dad every possible minute that I can and am spending two, three or more days a week here.  I want to help care for him, at least as much as he will let me.  I want to be here to ease the responsibility of caring for him for Jan.  Each time I am here, I am overwhelmed by the enormity of caring for him and pained by how difficult this is for Jan.  I don't know how she bears it.  Tonight we talked about the depression, how oppresive it is.  For me, I have my job to focus on.  Even when I am in BG helping out, I am working remotely while I am here.  Dad sleeps or watches TV and I work.  It is a blessing to have something to occupy my brain besides my dying father.  Jan has no release.  The days I am here and she gets out of the house to shop, have her hair done, have lunch out, she feels increasingly guilty because she is enjoying herself.  I ache for her.  I worry about her as much as I am worrying about daddy. 

Dad is miserable.  He often makes comments about wanting to go ahead and die and sometimes mentions suicide.  I don't blame him one bit for having those feelings.  I'm sure most of us would.  I sit in my chair behind my TV tray office peeking over my laptop at him praying that this will be over for him soon.  His days rarley have joy in them.  He struggles with feeling he is a burden to us every time he asks for something.  Cancer is eating away at his pride as much as it is eating away at his body.  He struggles with even the smallest thing like swallowing a pill.  It is heart wrenching. 

Tonight is just a jumble of thoughts.  We've talked about music for his funeral and who will be pallbearers.  We've talked about the possibilty of him lingering in his current state for a long while.  Please God, no.  I've had to fix the printer on her computer, figure out how to use the regulators on the oxygen tanks from a new company we are using now, entertain a family friend who dropped food by this afternoon.  Work.  I've also worked.  It has been a busy day, but I can't settle my brain down tonight.  I want to gather Jan up and somehow make it easier for her to walk this path as her spouse is dying.  I want to take all the pain and suffering from my dad.  I want to curl in a ball and feel sorry for myself because my family is going through this.  I want it to be over.  I want my head to stop spinning...

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