Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Hanging On By A Thread

We saw the oncologist today.  He had been to see daddy in the hospital a couple of times and had thought that he may be a candidate for a chemo pill that might help him.  It turned out that his cancer would not respond to it.  He told me that once daddy got home and regained some strength, we could possibly try some traditional chemotherapy, but I knew in my heart that was never going to happen.  When you aren't eating and can't walk more than a few steps without being exhausted, how are you supposed to get stronger?  So, the visit today was just the official "we can't do anything for you" step.  Oh, the doctor was very kind, compassionate and honest and we all appreciated it.  He talked to us at length about pain therapy and Hospice and sent us home with an appointment in a month.  Frankly, I don't know if daddy will be with us in a month.  Anyway, we all expected that news, but hearing it officially was extremely emotional for us all.  During the visit I asked about possibly prescribing daddy anti-depressants.  Daddy said he didn't want those, but he wanted a pill he could take that would just make him die.  He got weepy and just said he couldn't stand being a burden to Jan and myself.  We tearfully assured him he is not a burden, but a bessing and that we love him and want to take care of him.  It was so sad.

The doctor arranged to have Hospice call us, which they did about half an hour after we got home.  Tomorrow we have a consultation scheduled with a Hospice nurse and I guess once we talk with them we will decide the next steps.  Daddy was very resistant to Hospice several days ago when we discussed it with him, but after the doctor spoke about them, he was willing to call them.  I hope once he understands all they can do for us in aiding with his care and comfort, he will be at peace with the decision to call them.  I hope that they can be of help to Jan when I am not here.  He is failing so quickly.  So we are plodding along, taking it day by day and still hangin on, even if by a thread.

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