Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Where Did My Big Strong Daddy Go?

Daddy has been in the hospital for 26 days and we really have no idea when he may get to come home.  He still has too much fluid draining from his chest, which is being caused by the cancer.  Right now, he has no treatment options for the cancer until he can gain enough strength to handle traditional chemotherapy.  It is hard to be hopeful when I see him so weak, but I am trying to hang on to some hope.

My dad has always been a tall, strong, tough man and even as he as aged, I've never seen him any other way.  Our relationship was tough in my teen years and early twenties.  I was a wild child and he had already lost a daughter and I know that he often felt I was on the road to destruction.  He probably has no idea how often he has been my white knight, and I certainly do intend to tell him.  It is so hard for me to have that image of my big, strong dad stripped away.  He is struggling, too.  The first couple of days in the hospital, he was denying himself enough pain medication to keep him comfortable because "he could take it".  Convincing him that he didn't have to "take it" was tough because I know that went against everything he is.  He is putting on such a brave face, when I know that he has to be a jumble of doubt, fear, anger and every other emotion you can imagine. 

He is so brave and strong and I am a wimpy mess.  I have done a pretty good job not being emotional when I am with him and for me, that is quite the feat.  The couple of times that I have broken down with him, he has assured me that he has had a good life and that I shouldn't be so worked up.  That cracks me up because it is so typical a Daddy statement.  So I am keeping my worked up moments to those times when I am not around him.  It's hard, but I know it is what my big, strong Daddy wants.

1 comment:

  1. When my father passed away, it seemed so unreal as he had always been the rock to which we were all anchored. As with most daughters, my daddy was the strongest man I knew and he could not just simply be gone. The time you have is precious. I had no time to say goodbye or to talk of future things. He went into the hospital at 11 pm and was gone by 11 am the next day. I saw him once during that time. Though painful, your time now with your dad is so very precious and you are so very brave to share a journey so personal. I am here for whatever you need, a cry, a hug, a laugh or a good listener.